Squeeze With My Squeeze

So Ethan and I, though both tired and suffering from allergy attacks, made our way into the city for last night's Squeeze Concert at Radio City Music Hall. There was the mandatory 20 minute backup at the Lincoln Tunnel, but we managed to arrive only a few minutes late.

James were already on stage when we arrived. I'd forgotten how much I like them (my ex got our entire James collection in the split-up). The lead singer's voice is as angelic as ever. He must gargle unicorn's blood before taking the stage.

Squeeze were fantastic as well. They don't muck about. They went from one song right into the next with very little banter in between. The crowd was an odd mix. I think we expected to see mostly folks our own age there, but there were a handful of younger types and a LOT of 50-somethings. I suppose this makes sense, as the band's first album came out approx. 30 years ago. It was a very mellow scene, with most folks bopping in their seats rather than standing. I normally like things a little livelier and louder, but it was the perfect concert for someone in my condition.

Mr. T spent the whole concert rolling around and thumping. Not sure if he was gettin' down with his bad self or if he was trying to sleep and was complaining about the noise (the fetal equivalent of banging on the ceiling with a broomstick).

The drive home was the only bit that sucked. They're doing construction on the NJ Turnpike southbound and thought it would be a wonderful idea to block off every possible exit onto said toll road save one. We drove around in circles for a good 30 mins trying to find the magic exit. Eventually we triumphed, or we'd still be making circles up and down Route 3. Still, I'm glad we took advantage of what will probably be our last chance to see a concert before the little man arrives and Ethan had a great time which was most important, seeing as the tix were his bday prezzie.

Best new Feedjit tidbit: I had a visitor from Sao Paulo, Brazil who came across my blog via a 2005 post entitled "Fuck Spring" (It was a particularly bad spring for allergies) after searching "little+boy+fucked+mother" on google.br. I'd like to google that myself to see if my blog is what pops up first, but I'm afraid to search anything so lurid in case Big Brother is watching. Who am I kidding? Because Big Brother is watching (wave to Big Brother, kiddies!).

Speaking of dictatorships, it appears as though Kim Jong-Il has had a stroke. Several different reports from inside North Korea give varying accounts re: his status. Hopefully he's fully and permanently incapacitated. It's the least he deserves for how he's treated his own people.

South Korea is concerned that North Koreans will take advantage of the ensuing chaos to flood over the border. Let them!! And have dinner waiting for them when they get there and count your blessings they don't eat you upon arrival--they're starving!!*

Disclaimer: I am in no way insinuating that North Koreans have a tendency toward cannibalism, only that they're very hungry and not a little desperate, so you (South Koreans) should be very, very nice to them.

Thanks Kayly!

For introducing me to how much fun the Feedjit widget can be.

I racked up 3 more countries in the last day: New Zealand, Portugal and Canada.

How these two arrived at my blog strikes me as particularly amusing:


Brampton, Ontario arrived from google.ca on "Nothing Personal: My Brilliant Plan to Stimulate our Failing Economy..." by searching for how to stimulate my husband.
13:58:15 -- 57 minutes ago (Boy--she must have been disappointed)

Murfreesboro, Tennessee arrived from google.com on "Nothing Personal: Satan Lives in John McCain's Neck Folds" by searching for john mccain's neck. 12:55:22 -- 2 hours ago (This person clearly shares my love of random search topics)

Two New TV Shows I LOVE...

#1 True Blood (HBO Sundays @ 9PM ET)

I haven't read the books the show is based on, but so far I ADORE this show. Anna Paquin is adorable and saucy as Sookie Stackhouse. Stephen Moyer as the southern gentleman/vampire Bill Compton is atomically hot and oh so smouldery. The supporting cast is just as rich and colorful. The dialogue is bang on. I can't say enough about it.

I've heard rumors that it isn't rocking the ratings quite like HBO had hoped. PLEASE tune in and give it a shot. I beg you. It's too fantastic to be cancelled prematurely. And it would break my widdle, pwegnant heart. Oh! Wait a minute! My deliciously handsome husband just came home and informed me that it's already been picked up for a second season. JOY!!!!!!!!!!

...sigh...

#2 Fringe (FOX Tuesdays @ 9PM ET)

I wasn't sure how I'd take to this show. Having been a die hard X Files fan, I was afraid it might be a tired rehash. And having been a die hard Lost fan until last season, I was afraid it would be as aimless and wandering as Lost became (It might have gotten its shit together, but I lost patience).

The first two episodes have been wonderfully entertaining. So far it seems to combine all the best bits of Lost and X Files. Wacky story lines, kooky characters (Dr. Bishop is HYSTERICAL!), and a large, overhanging conspiracy that ties all the individual episodes together (which, unlike Lost episodes, have an actual sense of closure!). Please give this one a chance, too. I'd hate to see it relegated to Friday or Saturday nights before it disappears into the ether. From what I understand, it's been receiving great ratings, so this will hopefully not be an issue.

My Brilliant Plan to Stimulate our Failing Economy...

It's very simple, and will cost the taxpayers zip, nada, zilch.

1. Charge Sarah Palin $1 every time she drops her Gs. It's not cute. It's not folksy. It makes her sound like an uneducated hick. I'm really looking forward to ridding the White House of those this election.

2. Charge her $5 every time she repeats that BS line about the Bridge to Nowhere.

3. Charge her and McCain $1 every time they mention the phrase "real change."

4. Charge anyone, anywhere $1 any time they refer to Todd Palin as "The First Dude."

5. Charge McCain $1 every time he loses track of what he's saying mid-sentence. This man shouldn't be president of anything other than the United States of Dementia.

I think that should take care of it. If I think of more, I'll add them later. Who knows, maybe my plan will generate enough cash to restore the budget surplus we were enjoying before the republicans seized office in 2000.

Satan Lives in John McCain's Neck Folds

I swear. I've seen him leering out through the curtains of crepe-like flesh hanging from McCain's chin. Be afraid, America...

Blessed Relief

For the first time this summer it was cool enough to turn the air conditioner off. I opened up all the windows,turned the fan on high, and aired out the apartment. I've been praying for autumn's early arrival these last few weeks as I near the beginning of my third trimester (which is this Friday! Woot woot!!). As this is the most exhausting and uncomfortable trimester, I'm glad the bulk of it will take place during cooler weather.

Some men were doing construction in front of our house and had blocked off the driveway with a 4 foot mound of dirt. We had been warned about this, but I had completely forgotten. As such, I neglected to pull the car out of the driveway last night and park it on the street. As I had my final dentist appointment at 2:00 pm today, this meant I had to hoof it down to Main St. rather than drive myself in the air-conditioned comfort to which I am most accustomed. Had it been in the mid-80s like earlier this week, this would've sucked ass. It turned out to be a very pleasant walk (interrupted by a very unpleasant torture session at the dentist).

When I had finished schlepping my big butt and even larger gut up the (never ending) hill to our house and finally up the stairs to the apartment, I found that I was only slightly damp and breathing normally. Any other day I'd have been dripping with sweat and gasping for air. This made me feel frickin' awesome! Not like the giant, plodding land mammal I normally feel like.

On the way up the hill, I met an adorable little bichon frise named Zoe with a less-than-warm mommy. She barely tolerated me stopping to pet her dog. I normally don't pet dogs whose owners give off the "don't pet my dog" vibe, but this dog was begging me to pet her--standing on her hind legs and giving me that two-paw wave that only bichons seem to give. So I stopped to pet her. And she loved it. And I secretly wished I could steal her and take her home where she would be adored and not treated like a status symbol or accessory.

Although I do live in a town brimming with rich people--most of whom are republicans--I'm happy to say that the majority aren't like Zoe's mom. Please keep in mind, my definition of "rich people" are people who make over $250K, not $5M as McCain would have it. They're warm and friendly. They say "Hi!" when you pass them on the sidewalk and stop to pet Fred and Lulu when we walk them. I wonder sometimes if this is because they assume we're one of them. Though not rich by any means, I guess we do technically qualify as "Yuppies"--even now that we're down to one income (note: Ethan HATES when I point this out), but I'd like to think they're just genuinely nice people.

I'm also happy to report the surprising number of Obama yard signs and bumper stickers that have popped up all over town over the past 6 months. New Jersey is a solidly blue state, but Madison in a very red town. Or it was--it's as purple as a savagely twisted nurple now!! We even have an Obama sign in our front yard now--and we didn't put it there! Our downstairs neighbor did. It's like we have our own liberal enclave in the heart of Republicana. I'm surprised we haven't been egged by privileged, A&F-draped teenagers "raisin' McCain!"

When Turdblossom Thinks You've Gone Too Far...

You've gone waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far.

Rove: Some McCain ads don't pass '100 percent truth' test

Her Own People Are Turning Against Her!

HA!!

Alaska lawmakers vote to subpoena Todd Palin

Charlie Huggins is my kinda redneck:

Republican efforts to delay the probe until after the Nov. 4 election were thwarted when GOP State Sen. Charlie Huggins, who represents Palin's hometown of Wasilla, sided with Democrats. "Let's just get the facts on the table," said Huggins, who appeared in camouflage pants to vote during a break from moose hunting.

I Know Hurricane Ike Is No Laughing Matter, But...

I saw a snippet from a press conference this morning where the mayor of Houston was strongly cautioning residents to evacuate or face almost certain death. He said (I'm paraphrasing slightly) that if they thought they could ride out being hit by 20-foot waves, they should think again.

What made me giggle was the sign language interpreter. When he said the bit about being hit by 20-foot waves, she put her open hand up to her face (as if putting on an invisible mask) and then waggled her index finger in a "no-no" gesture for the "think again" part.

I think getting smacked in the face by 20-foot waves should be at the top of everyone's no-no list in the evacuation area.

This Woman TERRIFIES Me!!!!!!

Okay, so my official election coverage boycott lasted--what?--2 days? 1 day? I'll admit, I'm nothin' but a lot of talk and a badge.

Please read the following excerpt from Sarah Palin's interview with Charles Gibson yesterday and tell me why every single American should not be scared shitless to allow her within a 1,000 mile radius (or however far AK is from DC--whichever distance is greater) of the White House:

In her first news interview, Palin urged the admittance of Georgia and Ukraine to NATO. She was asked if the United States would be bound to go to war if Russia invaded Georgia again.
"Perhaps so. I mean, that is the agreement when you are a NATO ally, is if another country is attacked, you're going to be expected to be called upon and help," she told interviewer Charles Gibson of ABC News.

"And we've got to keep an eye on Russia. For Russia to have exerted such pressure in terms of invading a smaller democratic country, unprovoked, is unacceptable," she said.

She's threatening war with Russia. WAR WITH RUSSIA!!!! Is she out of her frickin' mind? We can't even wrap things up in Iraq, but she wants to throw down with Russia?? I don't think I need to point out the hypocrisy inherent in her above quote. Nice that she included the qualifier "democratic," however. Invading smaller non-democratic nations unprovoked is totally acceptable.

P.S. To Russia--if America is stupid enough to elect McCain/Palin and their administration is idiotic enough to declare war with you, please nuke Alaska first.

P.P.S. This crazy cunt scares me so much, I just found myself wishing McCain had chosen Romney. Don't tell Rove. He's smug enough as it is.

Temporarily Breaking My Election Coverage Boycott...

Did ya see Obama on Letterman yesterday? If not, it's available here on YouTube in 4 parts (he was on for a large portion of the show). He was amazing. I was so bedazzled by his eloquence, charm, humor and vision that I swear I had cartoon hearts shooting out of my eyes and red, white and blue stars circling my head.

None of these attributes of his was new to me, by any means. It was just magical to see them all packaged so perfectly in one appearance--and to see him so relaxed and comfortable and natural. It's a good indicator that someone genuinely believes what's coming out of his own mouth when he's so clearly comfortable in his own skin.

Once again, I'm aware that this is his normal demeanor, I'm just so jazzed that America had a chance to see him shine in such an intimate, no BS, one-on-one type of setting. How anyone could watch that appearance and not fall in love with this candidate and his vision for America befuddles me greatly.

Also, we cheated and watched Countdown with Keith Olbermann last night. I think this might just be the most amazing Special Comment he's ever delivered. The man gives me chills.

Here There Be Monsters

I just saw the largest rodent-like creature in the backyard from the bathroom window. I'm still not sure that I've identified it correctly. At first, I thought it was just a big pregnant possum. It had grey fur, but not the skinny pink tail or pointy face (mind you, I'm on the 2nd floor so I'm viewing this thing from a distance).

My next thought was that it might be a beaver, it was so huge, but the fur was the wrong color and the tail was all wrong again. Then I thought "badger," but it didn't have the black markings or triangular head and I have no idea if they're indigenous to this area.

I decided the only thing it could be was a ground hog, but it's the biggest goddamn ground hog I've ever seen. If I had to guess, I'd say it was easily 15 to 20 lbs. I only wish the dogs could've seen it. They'd have gone ape shit. It lumbered slowly and fatly into the bushes before I could snap a pic, and there's no way in hell I'm going down there looking for it!!!

Why isn't it November yet???

I have decided, after much thought, that I need to take a step back regarding this election. I'm not able to be as involved as I would like to be. I'm too pregnant to canvass (not that I've ever done that before--I don't like knocking on strangers' doors) or to host a fund raiser for my chosen candidate (take a wild guess. I'll give you a hint: As far as we know, he never called his wife a c-u-n-t in front of reporters). Ethan and I did the latter for the '04 election and actually managed to raise an impressive sum considering we only had about 15 people there.

I just don't have it in me to be as emotionally invested in this election as I was in the last one and it makes me very sad :(. The historic ramifications alone make me wish I had the energy to go (figurative) balls out and do all I can do to make sure America elects a president we can actually be proud of. I just don't have it in me this time, is all.

I can barely shower, dress, feed myself and get a couple of chores done in a day before collapsing for the evening. The constant exhaustion and helter skelter hormones leave me no choice but to deliberately avoid anything that might upset me. Election coverage is at the top of that list. I must also avoid sad/sappy movies and TV. Ethan is very stressed out about the recent bump in the polls McCain has received post-convention and post-nomination of Sarah Palin. I sure don't blame him, I just don't want to hear about it.

I know it sucks. It sucks that the election could be anywhere near this close at this point in the game. If the American people would ignore all the media talking heads and their sensationalism and actually focus on what the candidates have to say about the issues, the choice would be obvious and this election would be a mere formality.

Sadly, that's not the case. We love a dog and pony show! Don't make our heads hurt with all your brainy solutions to America's problems, just make us wanna have a beer with you. That's all that counts. Seriously? Is this how we decide who should lead our nation? That's a ginuwine polling question, folks. For the highest office in the land! I'm glad that's not how hospitals decide which surgeons to hire, or how schools select teachers, or how airlines select pilots (although there have been a few stories that would make one think otherwise).

So anyway, on to the point of this post--because it's late and I'm sleepy. I've decided all I can do for the duration is to throw money at my candidate when possible, show up on voting day, push the button and wash my hands of the whole shebang. And I have to feel OK with this. It's all I have the emotional and physical energy for right now.

And a direct plea to Obama campaign advisors--Playing nice is all well and good when your opponent reciprocates. We dems tend to take the high road out of principle. It's honorable, but there's far too much at stake in this election. You have my express permission to do whatever it takes to get the job done. The uninsured and working poor of this country are depending on you. Don't sacrifice them for your principles.

Movin' Right Along

I can't say I'm 100% better after having been to my osteopath, but I'd give it a solid 85%--and that's a WORLD of difference. I have to expect some discomfort toting around a 6.5 month fetus and all his accoutrements. I accept that. However, I must say that I am noticeably more mobile and comfortable than I was prior to my visit. Now I only have any real hip or pelvic discomfort when I sit or lie in one position for an extended time and then try to get up. Otherwise, I'm rocking and rolling.

My carpal tunnel pain had mostly subsided before I saw him, and has since gone completely bye-bye. Unfortunately, Ethan's carpal tunnel symptoms are back, so at least he'll get some use out of the heaty sock/tube thingies full of fake rice that I bought for mine.

If I might give myself a small pat on the back, I've been doing a stellar job of controlling my blood sugar. I can be a good girl when it's absolutely necessary (and only then).

In non-preggo news, tomorrow is Ethan's birthday! He is an incredibly dashing, sexy 38 years old tomorrow. I tell him every year that he just gets sexier and sexier, but he refuses to believe me. He's just starting to get a few grey hairs around his temples. I'm hoping they turn into those sexy salt and pepper stripes that some men get (think Pierce Brosnan, not Paulie Walnuts).

YES!!!

Nooooooooooooooooo....

We're having a romantic fancy shmancy dinner tomorrow night just the two of us. I also bought him tickets to see his favorite band, Squeeze, at Radio City Music Hall. I gotta spoil him one last time before the kid pops out. Soon enough, I'll be too round and inert to do so.

In my best Marilyn voice...

Happy Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirthday, Mr. Sincoff. Happy Birthday to you!

Sugar Shock

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I flunked my 1-hour glucose screening test. Apparently I flunked it so spectacularly that they didn't even need me to come back for the 3-hour test. I was not surprised. I had gestational diabetes my first pregnancy, too. As with that pregnancy, I just have to watch my diet and check my blood sugar 4x a day and ketones 1x a day.

Apparently I'm already experiencing sugar withdrawal, if only on a subconscious level. During my daily nap this afternoon, I dreamt that I devoured an entire store-bought sheet cake in 1 sitting. I did this in secret, hurrying to lick the last bits of icing off the cardboard box before Ethan got home from work. I finished just as he was coming up the stairs.

Lo and behold, the first food item to greet my eyes when I went to the grocery store later on were all the leftover red, white & blue Labor Day sheet cakes. They didn't appeal to me in the least, but the coincidence made me giggle.

Before leaving for the store I cleaned out the fridge. It was an exhausting task. I can't remember the last time I'd done so and couldn't identify half the things I pulled out and hastily shoved into a trash bag (I had 3 bags worth by the end of it). I gave the shelves 2 good wipe-downs before reloading it with the next batch of food which will likely rot before we can eat it all.

I was absolutely knackered by the time I got back from the store. I was so sore, at one point I had to lean on Ethan's shoulder so he could walk me to the bathroom. Thanks to Sophie and Jeanne for their suggestions/recommendations--I have a consultation with a cranial osteopath tomorrow morning. Hopefully he'll help me survive the next 3 months.

Mr. T gets stronger every day. Today I felt a very definite heel dig into my right round ligament. This evening he was making my stomach jump up and down like crazy. In true Mr. T fashion, he stopped bouncing every single time his father was looking and would start up again just as soon as Ethan looked away. The look of disappointment on Ethan's face when the baby refuses to perform for him always breaks my heart :). I think he's going to be a mama's boy just like Fred.

The original Mama's Boy

Pictures from the Day's Festivities

Here are some delovely pics from the family wedding we attended today. We have no good pics of the happy couple (we couldn't see much from our seats), but we got some interesting ones of ourselves.

Ethan boning up on his picture taking skills in the car...

I've got assloads of class

So does my father-in-law, Elliott

Mandatory self portrait

Pictures from the cocktail hour...

The 4 best-looking people at the party (counting Mr. T)

And finally...

The reason I've scheduled a professional maternity/nursing bra fitting--my giant, back-breaking, preggo, mamajamas.

The gargantuan bump. This pic was taken at the end of the evening once we'd returned home, so not the most attractive :).

Black-Tie Bump

We have a black-tie family wedding on Sunday. I purchased my dress about a month ago. It's an adorable black cocktail dress and I found darling shoes to match. Sounds perfect, right?

I tried it on last night to see how it looked once again. MY GOD am I huge now. It doesn't look unattractive or anything, I just look hugemongously knocked up. When I first bought it and tried it on, I had the pretty little early 2nd trimester bump. Now I really just look like I'm smuggling a large melon or small pachyderm under my empire waistline. A barrel on suspenders would look just as curvy on me.

Thank goodness my ankles haven't begun to swell just yet. Still, I had Chinese for dinner last night and the leftovers for dinner tonight. That's a lot of sodium. I'll have to drink ungodly amounts of water tomorrow to flush it all out to avoid early-onset cankles.

This is the last time I am getting dressed up for the duration of my pregnancy. It's t-shirts and yoga pants until December starting Labor Day!!! :)

In baby news, Mr. T is now big enough that I can feel him kick and punch on opposite sides of my stomach when he's having a good stretch. It freaks me out each time. This morning at the diner, he kicked me in the bladder so hard I had to dash for the ladies room. Maybe 3 drops came out--I was so sore it just felt like I was about to burst.

I've heard many a horror story about babies kicking the pee right out of their moms, but I just chalked them all up to urban legend. Now I get it. If Mr. T ever does that to me in public, he will regret it every day for his entire life.

He just gave me two gentle kicks in the cervix when I finished typing that. I swear he can read my mind. Don't call my bluff, kiddo. You don't know who you're messin' with.

Pregnancy Wonders Never Cease

Just when I was learning to live with my chronic back and hip pain (because I have no other choice, according to my doctors), the last 2 days I've been having EXCRUCIATING carpal tunnel pain.

I suffered from mild carpal tunnel syndrome over a decade ago and took ibuprofen for the pain which really helped. Guess what I'm not allowed to take now that I'm pregnant? Bingo. Tylenol dulls the pain a little bit, but doesn't wholly eliminate it. I'll have to scoot over to CVS (sorry Kayly :)) and get some wrist braces.

I'm not posting this merely to whine about my newest malady, but to let the handful of folks who actually read this little blog o' mine know that my posting frequency may decline until my symptoms are better under control.

Now I have to go wash a mountain of dirty dishes by hand, which I'm sure will aggravate things even further. There HAS to be a prescription pain killer out there somewhere that's safe to take during pregnancy. Why won't they give it to me???? Evil bastards.

Tooth Update

I did indeed break off a piece of my tooth, but there was also some decay. The dentist was able to fill it in. Apparently the cavity went fairly deep, but not all the way down to the nerve. We're "keeping an eye on it" in the hopes that the filling will suffice and I won't require another root canal. One was quite enough.

I'm going back on two separate occasions in September for in-depth cleanings. The rest of my teeth are in fairly good condition, but I have gum issues. The hygienist was checking out my gums tooth by tooth and said to the assistant, "She's got bleeding on almost every single tooth!" I wanted to scream (but my mouth was full), "I'M PREGNANT AND YOU'RE JABBING MY GUMS WITH A SHARP INSTRUMENT, YOU *&%^#*$ MORON!!!! OF COURSE MY GUMS ARE BLEEDING!!!!" The assistant did eventually let her know that I'm pregnant. She seemed to be OK with that explanation.

God Told Me to Marry Your 12 Year-Old Daughter

I want to truly, truly hate Warren Jeffs, the FLDS' fallen prophet, yet I'm utterly in awe of his audacity, hubris, and total sense of entitlement.

Not just anyone can get away with all the insane shit he's pulled. That takes real talent and charisma. Like this article regarding one of his current wives being placed in FOSTER CARE. She's 14 now. They were married in 2006. You do the math.

Biking Update

I almost forgot! Ethan went to practice riding on Saturday. When he finished, he was so excited he couldn't wait to call me on his cell and report his progress. He's now able to ride the entire length of the parking lot (and farther if it were longer).

I went along Sunday to witness. He rode the entire length, turned around and came back. He's still working on the turning bit. He manages to do it from time to time, but isn't totally sure how he's making it happen.

At this point, I have to admit that there was a little part of me that wasn't totally convinced that he'd get it. Not because I thought he wasn't capable, but because I wasn't sure if it's something an adult can really master. I'm so glad he's proven me wrong.

Rumbly in my Tumbly

I've decided to refer to the baby as "Mr. T" in this and future posts. First, his name begins with that initial (though we're keeping it private for now) and second, it sounds badass.

Anyhoo...

As of yesterday, Mr. T is big enough that I can see him punching and kicking through my clothing now. Last night he kept bouncing "What to Expect: The First Year" as I was reading and resting it on my stomach. He gave his father's hand several good punches/kicks as well (still can't tell hands from feet).

He's also coordinated enough now that if I poke my fingers into my tummy and hold them there, he'll get annoyed and push back on them. He still enjoys regular bouts of clog dancing on my cervix. I'm sure it's just a matter of time until he's burying those heels in my ribs.

Joy.

Q: How Does He Say This Shit With a Straight Face???

A) His comedy chops are far better than we suspected

B) He has a sardonic wit and flare for irony

C) He has no choice--he's constantly rigged with an explosive device to which Cheney holds the detonator

D)He doesn't actually comprehend what he's saying--just reads the words phonetically and hopes for the best

E) He's the world's biggest, cockiest, hypocritical asshole

My money's on a combination of D and E...

"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century."

President Bush’s Statement on Georgia
Published: August 15, 2008

And I Thought He'd Grow Into It...

Nope. At our 23 week scan this afternoon, we received photographic evidence that our son's monstrous member is keeping up with the rest of him. He's currently weighing in at 1 lb 3 oz. (How much of that is his "meat" is anyone's guess).

When the ultrasound tech saw it, she insisted on taking a picture for us because "it's a good one!!" Her words, not mine. See for yourself...

The Full Monty

Cropped and rotated to show detail

SHOCKING!!!!!

Gestation Education

I've learned quite a few things over the course of this and previous pregnancies; some of which I've shared in previous posts, but will repeat here nonetheless.

1. I REALLY love being pregnant at home. I had focused on the napping at whim and vomiting in one's own toilet, but I just realized another benefit today: not dealing with co-workers' annoying comments and questions. No, it's not decaf and YES, I can have it. How is it any of your business whether or not we were "trying?" Yes, we have a name picked out, but I'm not going to tell you what it is because I couldn't give less of a shit whether you like it or not or used to know someone with the same name who you now hate.

2. When I did have to deal with co-workers' asinine questions, at least they were "normal." I was just reading my bulletin board for moms due in December. One woman's co-worker asked her if she thought her baby could sense electromagnetic energy. WTF?? I responded that she should've answered, "Of course. That's why I keep my stomach covered in aluminum foil. Duh!" (Note: Aluminum foil is also useful for keeping out unwanted alien transmissions and government satellite surveillance).

3. I so didn't have to gain so much weight the first time around. Granted, it came off quickly, but this time I've been more mindful about what and how much I've been eating and have actually lost 4 to 5 lbs over the past 6 mos. I'm not dieting, by any means, just not stuffing my face. My docs are OK with it, and so am I.

4. Maternity clothes for us plus-sized gals have gotten much cuter, cheaper and easier to find over the past 5 years. Hallelujah!! God bless Old Navy and Target!

5. Tylenol PM is the BOMB! I slept so soundly last night I had to get up at 7:00 am this morning. I couldn't FORCE myself back to sleep. For the first time in months, I saw the sunrise coming through the big bay window in our living room. It was glorious. Then I made coffee and--no--it wasn't decaf. I really wish you'd quit asking me that!

6. I actually know enough now, through all our pregnancy ups and downs, to be helpful to other pregnant women. An example: on my bulletin board for plus-sized moms, one woman was freaking out that she's already popped at 8 wks (this is her 2nd pregnancy). I assured her that this was entirely normal due to the abdominal muscles and ligaments being all loosey-goosey from the first time around and implored her to stop trying to stuff herself into her pre-pregnancy clothes. No sense being uncomfortable and self-conscious. On top of that, I found myself doling out advice on the most belly-friendly methods of engaging in...ahem... "relations," shall we say.

7. My subconscious loooooooooooooves to undermine my confidence. I keep having recurring dreams about being unprepared. In one, I'm still in school and I realize when the bell rings after the class I'm in that either a)I have no idea what class is next, or b) I've been forgetting to go to a certain class all semester long and show up for the first time just before finals. In another, I suddenly find myself in the backseat of an empty car zooming down the street and I have to hop in the front and grab the wheel just in time to avoid a crash. Last night, I dreamt that my GPS was broken and I had no idea how to get home. The most obvious are the dreams where I suddenly realize I have a baby that's been home for several days before I finally remember to feed and change him.

8. Being pregnant during the summer sucks ass. I'm not usually a sweaty person, but I can't avoid it this summer. I venture outdoors as little as possible while the sun's out. Going outdoors requires putting on clothes and shoes. I'd much rather stay indoors and expose as much bare skin as possible to the A/C. I've even been taking coldish showers, which is something I couldn't bear to do before.

9. My husband only cares that I shave my armpits. Everything else can grow wild and woolly. Bless his heart. It's just so much bother.

10. Every time the baby kicks, I'm forced to stop and contemplate what a wacky, random, magical place the universe is. When I have these moments I hear David Byrne asking, "How did I get here?" in my head. No idea, Dave, but you sure do make cool bike racks.

I Am Falling Apart...And Other Random Blather

Last night I went into the bathroom to floss. My gum was a little sore and it felt like I had a piece of food (like maybe popcorn skin) stuck between my teeth. Whatever it was popped out, but it was far too crunchy to be food.

Because it's an upper right molar, I couldn't wrench my yap open far enough to see if it was all or part of a filling, but I suspect it was one of the two. Whatever it was, it went down the drain too fast to identify. The tooth looks normal from what I can tell. I don't think it's broken. I just can't get a close enough look at the darkened center to tell if what I'm seeing is filling or empty, gaping hole. I will schedule an appointment with the dentist. I'm due for a cleaning anyway.

My crappy eyesight isn't enough? Now I have to endure 1 or more sessions of oral torture, too? What's next?

I slept on the couch last night again due to sore hips. It finally dawned on me that I'd probably be able to sleep comfortably in bed if I took Tylenol PM before nodding off. It's safe during pregnancy, like benadryl, but has the added bonus of keeping my pain under control rather than just making me drowsy. I have no idea why this hadn't occurred to me previously.

Enough about my ever increasing decrepitude. Has anyone actually been watching the Olympics? I could not be less excited about them this year. I tried to watch a few minutes of the coverage late last night out of perceived patriotic duty, but couldn't cut it. I initially misread the program title as XXX Olympiad (rather than XXIX Olympiad). For a second I was like, "WOW! And I thought they were just on this late because of the time difference!!" I was sorely disappointed. I'm sure I'll be just as disappointed next time around when it really is the XXX Olympiad, but the clean version. Those Romans and their wacky numerals...

An update on the Caylee Anthony case. Apparently her mother, Casey, is claiming to have information regarding Caylee's whereabouts that she would like to share with her parents, but refuses to do so while still in prison where her communications are being monitored. She's supposedly keeping this info from the police to "protect" her daughter. The grandparents still believe Caylee is alive and that Casey knows who has her, but not where they are. They have insinuated that they are close to locating Caylee and should have some "good news" to share with the media shortly.

Meanwhile, the air in the trunk of Casey's car is being tested at the University of Tennessee's Body Farm. Police are still waiting for DNA results from materials found in the trunk. Oh, and let's not forget how Grandma told the 911 operator that the car smelled like it had "a dead body" in it and that a cadaver dog alerted to the scent in the trunk to boot.

I feel terribly for the grandparents. I'm sure they can't bring themselves to believe that their granddaughter is anything but alive and safe, but the fact that they have not convinced their daughter to be forthcoming to the police with any and all information she may possess regarding Caylee's whereabouts speaks volumes.

I've tried to put myself in their shoes and decide whether my absolute allegiance would be to my daughter or granddaughter if I somehow thought the former were responsible for or involved in the latter's death and/or disappearance. Perhaps they know that Caylee's gone, so they feel they have to protect their daughter rather than lose her, too. That's almost understandable if Caylee's death were accidental. Not so understandable in the case of intentional homicide, not that we know a) if she is indeed dead or b) the manner of death.

Regardless, I'm on pins and needles waiting for the DNA results and info from the Body Farm. I haven't been this wrapped up in a case since Martha Moxley and Chandra Levy.

My Husband Rocks

As I mentioned on my other blog, Ethan has taken up learning to ride a bicycle at the tender age of 37 (38 next month!). It was tough going at first. Bicycling is a complex integration of balance and muscle coordination. The average child's fresh, springy brain is able to master these skills rather rapidly. It's far more difficult for the stiff, stodgy brain of your average adult.

Periodically, I accompany Ethan to view his progress and offer any advice I can. Today I did nothing but cheer. In a handful of practice sessions, he's gone from not even being able to get both feet on the pedals to mastering all the basics: pedaling, steering, turning and breaking. I was blown away. He's still a little too shaky to try out the local bike path, but I can tell he's only 1 or 2 more practice sessions away.

I was so proud toward the end of the session that I actually got misty. It was so moving to see him accomplish something he's been wanting to do for so long. I can't wait until we're both standing off to the side and cheering our son on when he finally masters the same skill.

You rock, babe! Well done! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jeepers Creepers

I need new peepers. Just before Ethan fertilized my crescent, I noticed a slight decline in the visual acuity of my left eye. The right is still pretty darn good as far as distance is concerned.

Lately, I've noticed that I have some difficulty reading small print, which was never a problem before. I'm not sure if this change is simply pregnancy-related, or if I actually require bifocals. I had lasik back in 2001 and enjoyed superhuman vision for quite a few years. It's only in the last year that I've noticed a decline in my vision. Perhaps I should make an appointment for an exam.

The fun part of my recent impairment? I've noticed that my focus is off, too, so my eyes will skip from line to line sometimes when I'm reading the computer monitor. This makes for some hilariously blended headlines when I'm scanning the news sites. Cases in point:

"Microbioligist claims she contaminated ground beef"--I can just imagine a bitter, mousy scientist poisoning America's food supply.

(Microbiologist claims she was stalked by anthrax suspect + Whole Foods recalling possibly contaminated ground beef)

My favorite, which requires no editorial comments on my part:

"Angry Barbados residents plant son's placenta in orchard"

(Angry Barbados residents slam discovery, naming of tiny snake + Matthew McConaughey to plant son's placenta in orchard)

I'm a Disgusting, Accident-Prone Pig

I was starving come lunchtime, so I cooked up my second box of Kraft Mac & Cheese. I devoured the entire box in the space of 10 mins. All was well for a minute or two until my stomach, restricted by my burgeoning uterus, decided it simply didn't have room for all of it and began to shoo the surplus into my throat.

I made a mad dash to the bathroom where I vomited with great force; so much so that I not only strained my abdominal muscles, but lost complete control of my bladder as well.

My gluttony caused me to vomit, injure and piss myself--in that order. I'd be utterly humiliated if it weren't so funny. What am I, Roman????

This article made my morning...

Phallus-shaped flower is botanical superstar
One of the world's largest flowers, it stinks of rotting meat or rancid cheese

The picture is truly worth 1,000 words. That woman is TRANSFIXED!!! I also like the comment about its timing being "unpredictable."

Learning by Doing

Best possible way to learn. And what did I learn by doing today? That I am too friggin' fat and pregnant to go grocery shopping by myself anymore--at least until summer's over.

I decided to do two week's worth of shopping today to save myself a trip. Huge mistake. By the time I got to the register my back was aching, I was sweating profusely, huffing and puffing and had turned beet red. Then I had to bag everything. load it into my cart (cuz no one does either for you anymore, apparently), load it all into my car and then schlep upstairs everything that needed to be refrigerated or frozen. I left a few bags worth of dry goods in the car for Ethan to carry up later.

I'm BEAT!!! But I must say, I made a killing. My first trip to Shop Rite since I promised myself to switch stores. Their meat specials are crazy! I had no idea. We now have steaks and chicken breasts out the wazoo.

The only good part of the exhausting trip? I'm indulging two of my random cravings right now for a late lunch--Fresca and Kraft Mac N' Cheese. I haven't had Kraft Mac N' Cheese in years, but last night I saw a commercial and HAD to have it ASAP. The Fresca just jumped out at me when I was cruising down the beverage aisle. So deliciously citrus-y!

So, from now on, I will make sure Ethan either accompanies me to the grocery store or is home to schlep all the bags up. I just can't hack it in this heat. Neither can Junior, apparently. He's been kicking me like crazy since I got home. He's tired and hungry, too.

In real news, I've been following the Caylee Anthony case. She's the little girl who was missing for a month before her mom reported her. Check out the details on the Investigation Discovery Web site. Smells fishier'n a $2 meth ho, if you ask me. Mom offed her and grandma helped cover it up, no doubt. Terrible shame--and this Saturday would've been her 3rd birthday.

Semi-Lazy

I had a mild stomach virus yesterday. No puking, but issues on the other end and I felt like my veins were full of lead. Therefore, I did exactly 1 load of laundry yesterday. That was the extent of my chores for the day.

Today the digestive issues are much improved, but my energy level isn't quite up to snuff just yet. Still, I managed to take the dogs for a walk and put all the clean laundry away--not just the solitary load I did yesterday, but the mounds of clean stuff that has been sitting on the shelf above the washer/dryer for months now, half of which were baby clothes.

I'm taking a little break right now. Standing for an extended period folding and putting away laundry gave me a terrible ache in my middle back. That's a new one--it's usually my lower back that bothers me. I'm proud to say that I WILL be cooking dinner tonight. I thawed turkey breast fillets in the fridge overnight and need to cook them or they'll go to waste.

So I'm still not up to the activity level I'm aspiring to, but getting there. I was reading "confessions" on my babycenter.com bulletin board for moms due in December and apparently I'm not alone. There are a lot of pregnant women out there who can't bring themselves to do housework (guilty), shave their legs (guilty) or even shower daily (that's just gross--especially in this humidity).

I find I have more energy on days when the baby is chilling out--like today. When he's in full-on uterine assault mode it's difficult to even sit upright for extended periods of time. Now that I've figured this out, I can try to tailor my activity so that I get more done days when he's being nice to Mama so I can relax and put my feet up on the days when he's not.

Oops. Did I promise in an earlier post that not every single post on this blog would be pregnancy-related? Sorry, forgot about that. There's just been such a dearth of interesting news and current events lately that there's little else to talk about. I have been following the story of the stabbing/cannibalism case on the Greyhound Canada bus, however. So random. Check it out if you haven't already. Someone should really tell the suspect, "Next time, pack a lunch eh??"

Budget Crunching

I've tuned out on politics the last week or so. I needed a mental break. Have the powers that be finally admitted that we're in an honest to God, ginuwine recession? Yesterday I decided to be proactive (one of my most hated words) and draw up a household budget to see where we can cut some corners. It's quite an adjustment transitioning from 2 incomes to 1. After maybe 90 mins of research, number crunching and phone calls, I figured out how to save us approx. $150/mo. Not bad for a day's work!

First I figured out how much money we'd save if Ethan drove the Toyota to work instead of the Oldsmobile. I know the Olds is a guzzler, but his commute is rather short, so I didn't think it made that much of a difference. When I multiplied how many times a month he had to fill up (3) by the difference of the cost of a tank for the Olds ($65) and the Toyota ($45) and factored in a little extra for the Toyota's better mpg, it came out to $75. That's almost a week's worth of groceries!

Next, we had considered eliminating our land line phone and just using our cell phones which would save us approx. $85-90/mo. I decided to call up the cable company to see how much we'd save if we got the "triple play" (cable, phone and Internet--we have all but the phone already). It turns out that we can keep our land line phone (same number, too!) and still save around $80/mo. Eureka!

Next is to switch Ethan over to my cell phone carrier so we can get a family plan. That should save us another $20-30/mo. I've also promised to make better use of our annoying washer/dryer since it's included in our rent, rather then dropping everything off at the laundromat. If I can forgo the wash and fold luxury altogether, that should save us another $40-50/mo.

That's already more than $200/mo! I've also promised myself that I will start shopping at Shop Rite rather than Stop N' Shop. It really is less expensive and the merchandise is the same. I only prefer Stop N' Shop because the ceilings are higher and the aisles wider. And it has a Starbucks kiosk. Nothing like traipsing up and down the roomy aisles sipping a grande non-fat chai latte. By comparison, the Shop Rite has low ceilings and the aisles are narrower and the shelves taller which have the combined effect of making me super claustrophobic. I'm sure I'll adjust.

With the price difference btwn both stores plus average coupon savings, that could total another $100/mo. So we're at a total savings of $300/mo. and we haven't even really sacrificed anything yet. No services cut (apart from the laundry, but that was a super luxury), no real added inconveniences. It's kind of disgusting how we were pissing that money away each month without even realizing it.

I keep surfing the web for other penny-pinching ideas, but not that many of them really apply to us or fit our lifestyle. Please chime in with whatever you and your family are doing to save some scratch. I'd love to hear!

Dog Nuts (Warning: May contain cutesy pet story)

I decided to make myself pecan pancakes for breakfast this morning. Looooooove me some pecan pancakes. I accidentally dropped 2 of the 4 into the sink, where there was about a 1/2 inch of standing water. I was momentarily crestfallen, but I soon realized that the 2 I had left were more than enough for me.

I fished the 2 out of the sink (they landed in such a way that they were barely even soggy) and put them in the dog's bowls. Neither of the dogs were in the kitchen, yet somehow Fred "sensed" the presence of pancakes within his reach. I am president and Freddy is VP of my International Pancake Appreciation Society (IPAS, Membership = 2). He immediately ran out, snatched a huge chunk, and sprinted for the bed.

He likes to hide treats in the bedspread. He'll spend a good 5 minutes trying to push the covers on top of whatever he's burying with his schnoz. Sometimes he gets frustrated and yells at the treat in that special language that only Shih Tzus speak. It's not barking, growling, yipping or howling--just a long string of choppy vowel sounds that you'd swear was an actual sentence.

I chased him out to the living room where I divvied the pancakes up between him and Lulu. Lesson learned: Dogs don't like pecans, at least not my dogs. They ate all the cake from around them and spit the nuts all over my living room carpet, which I will clean up shortly.

I did learn yesterday that Fred eats bananas, but Lulu doesn't. An interesting discovery.

What Lulu does eat, though she'd been on an extended hiatus, is cat poop. I know this is common for dogs, but it had been so long that we really thought she'd broken the habit. The other night she came charging into the living room looking like she'd just won the lottery with something brown and cigar-shaped in her mouth. Fred was right on her heels looking for his share. Ethan and I looked at each other, puzzled. There was nothing on the floor in that shape or shade that we knew of. I looked closer and saw the flecks of litter.

Ethan hopped up from the couch and repeatedly yelled, "Drop it! Bad dog!" She just looked at him like, "No way, MFer. Get your own!" At one point, half the "item" broke off and dropped to the floor. She eventually spit out the other half. Normally when she picks up something iffy on the street, we fish it out. No way were we going spelunking in the wet, pink, fleshy folds of her mouth for cat poop (have you ever looked inside a Shih Tzu's mouth? It's TERRIFYING! Anything could be hiding in there).

She tried to jump up on the couch to give us apology kisses, but we made her stay on the floor until bed time. Her feelings were clearly hurt. In her defense, it was the filet mignon of cat poops. It was huge and looked super fresh. I can see why she had a problem resisting. Still, she's banned from giving us kisses until sometime next week.