Black-Tie Bump

We have a black-tie family wedding on Sunday. I purchased my dress about a month ago. It's an adorable black cocktail dress and I found darling shoes to match. Sounds perfect, right?

I tried it on last night to see how it looked once again. MY GOD am I huge now. It doesn't look unattractive or anything, I just look hugemongously knocked up. When I first bought it and tried it on, I had the pretty little early 2nd trimester bump. Now I really just look like I'm smuggling a large melon or small pachyderm under my empire waistline. A barrel on suspenders would look just as curvy on me.

Thank goodness my ankles haven't begun to swell just yet. Still, I had Chinese for dinner last night and the leftovers for dinner tonight. That's a lot of sodium. I'll have to drink ungodly amounts of water tomorrow to flush it all out to avoid early-onset cankles.

This is the last time I am getting dressed up for the duration of my pregnancy. It's t-shirts and yoga pants until December starting Labor Day!!! :)

In baby news, Mr. T is now big enough that I can feel him kick and punch on opposite sides of my stomach when he's having a good stretch. It freaks me out each time. This morning at the diner, he kicked me in the bladder so hard I had to dash for the ladies room. Maybe 3 drops came out--I was so sore it just felt like I was about to burst.

I've heard many a horror story about babies kicking the pee right out of their moms, but I just chalked them all up to urban legend. Now I get it. If Mr. T ever does that to me in public, he will regret it every day for his entire life.

He just gave me two gentle kicks in the cervix when I finished typing that. I swear he can read my mind. Don't call my bluff, kiddo. You don't know who you're messin' with.

Pregnancy Wonders Never Cease

Just when I was learning to live with my chronic back and hip pain (because I have no other choice, according to my doctors), the last 2 days I've been having EXCRUCIATING carpal tunnel pain.

I suffered from mild carpal tunnel syndrome over a decade ago and took ibuprofen for the pain which really helped. Guess what I'm not allowed to take now that I'm pregnant? Bingo. Tylenol dulls the pain a little bit, but doesn't wholly eliminate it. I'll have to scoot over to CVS (sorry Kayly :)) and get some wrist braces.

I'm not posting this merely to whine about my newest malady, but to let the handful of folks who actually read this little blog o' mine know that my posting frequency may decline until my symptoms are better under control.

Now I have to go wash a mountain of dirty dishes by hand, which I'm sure will aggravate things even further. There HAS to be a prescription pain killer out there somewhere that's safe to take during pregnancy. Why won't they give it to me???? Evil bastards.

Tooth Update

I did indeed break off a piece of my tooth, but there was also some decay. The dentist was able to fill it in. Apparently the cavity went fairly deep, but not all the way down to the nerve. We're "keeping an eye on it" in the hopes that the filling will suffice and I won't require another root canal. One was quite enough.

I'm going back on two separate occasions in September for in-depth cleanings. The rest of my teeth are in fairly good condition, but I have gum issues. The hygienist was checking out my gums tooth by tooth and said to the assistant, "She's got bleeding on almost every single tooth!" I wanted to scream (but my mouth was full), "I'M PREGNANT AND YOU'RE JABBING MY GUMS WITH A SHARP INSTRUMENT, YOU *&%^#*$ MORON!!!! OF COURSE MY GUMS ARE BLEEDING!!!!" The assistant did eventually let her know that I'm pregnant. She seemed to be OK with that explanation.

God Told Me to Marry Your 12 Year-Old Daughter

I want to truly, truly hate Warren Jeffs, the FLDS' fallen prophet, yet I'm utterly in awe of his audacity, hubris, and total sense of entitlement.

Not just anyone can get away with all the insane shit he's pulled. That takes real talent and charisma. Like this article regarding one of his current wives being placed in FOSTER CARE. She's 14 now. They were married in 2006. You do the math.

Biking Update

I almost forgot! Ethan went to practice riding on Saturday. When he finished, he was so excited he couldn't wait to call me on his cell and report his progress. He's now able to ride the entire length of the parking lot (and farther if it were longer).

I went along Sunday to witness. He rode the entire length, turned around and came back. He's still working on the turning bit. He manages to do it from time to time, but isn't totally sure how he's making it happen.

At this point, I have to admit that there was a little part of me that wasn't totally convinced that he'd get it. Not because I thought he wasn't capable, but because I wasn't sure if it's something an adult can really master. I'm so glad he's proven me wrong.

Rumbly in my Tumbly

I've decided to refer to the baby as "Mr. T" in this and future posts. First, his name begins with that initial (though we're keeping it private for now) and second, it sounds badass.

Anyhoo...

As of yesterday, Mr. T is big enough that I can see him punching and kicking through my clothing now. Last night he kept bouncing "What to Expect: The First Year" as I was reading and resting it on my stomach. He gave his father's hand several good punches/kicks as well (still can't tell hands from feet).

He's also coordinated enough now that if I poke my fingers into my tummy and hold them there, he'll get annoyed and push back on them. He still enjoys regular bouts of clog dancing on my cervix. I'm sure it's just a matter of time until he's burying those heels in my ribs.

Joy.

Q: How Does He Say This Shit With a Straight Face???

A) His comedy chops are far better than we suspected

B) He has a sardonic wit and flare for irony

C) He has no choice--he's constantly rigged with an explosive device to which Cheney holds the detonator

D)He doesn't actually comprehend what he's saying--just reads the words phonetically and hopes for the best

E) He's the world's biggest, cockiest, hypocritical asshole

My money's on a combination of D and E...

"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century."

President Bush’s Statement on Georgia
Published: August 15, 2008

And I Thought He'd Grow Into It...

Nope. At our 23 week scan this afternoon, we received photographic evidence that our son's monstrous member is keeping up with the rest of him. He's currently weighing in at 1 lb 3 oz. (How much of that is his "meat" is anyone's guess).

When the ultrasound tech saw it, she insisted on taking a picture for us because "it's a good one!!" Her words, not mine. See for yourself...

The Full Monty

Cropped and rotated to show detail

SHOCKING!!!!!

Gestation Education

I've learned quite a few things over the course of this and previous pregnancies; some of which I've shared in previous posts, but will repeat here nonetheless.

1. I REALLY love being pregnant at home. I had focused on the napping at whim and vomiting in one's own toilet, but I just realized another benefit today: not dealing with co-workers' annoying comments and questions. No, it's not decaf and YES, I can have it. How is it any of your business whether or not we were "trying?" Yes, we have a name picked out, but I'm not going to tell you what it is because I couldn't give less of a shit whether you like it or not or used to know someone with the same name who you now hate.

2. When I did have to deal with co-workers' asinine questions, at least they were "normal." I was just reading my bulletin board for moms due in December. One woman's co-worker asked her if she thought her baby could sense electromagnetic energy. WTF?? I responded that she should've answered, "Of course. That's why I keep my stomach covered in aluminum foil. Duh!" (Note: Aluminum foil is also useful for keeping out unwanted alien transmissions and government satellite surveillance).

3. I so didn't have to gain so much weight the first time around. Granted, it came off quickly, but this time I've been more mindful about what and how much I've been eating and have actually lost 4 to 5 lbs over the past 6 mos. I'm not dieting, by any means, just not stuffing my face. My docs are OK with it, and so am I.

4. Maternity clothes for us plus-sized gals have gotten much cuter, cheaper and easier to find over the past 5 years. Hallelujah!! God bless Old Navy and Target!

5. Tylenol PM is the BOMB! I slept so soundly last night I had to get up at 7:00 am this morning. I couldn't FORCE myself back to sleep. For the first time in months, I saw the sunrise coming through the big bay window in our living room. It was glorious. Then I made coffee and--no--it wasn't decaf. I really wish you'd quit asking me that!

6. I actually know enough now, through all our pregnancy ups and downs, to be helpful to other pregnant women. An example: on my bulletin board for plus-sized moms, one woman was freaking out that she's already popped at 8 wks (this is her 2nd pregnancy). I assured her that this was entirely normal due to the abdominal muscles and ligaments being all loosey-goosey from the first time around and implored her to stop trying to stuff herself into her pre-pregnancy clothes. No sense being uncomfortable and self-conscious. On top of that, I found myself doling out advice on the most belly-friendly methods of engaging in...ahem... "relations," shall we say.

7. My subconscious loooooooooooooves to undermine my confidence. I keep having recurring dreams about being unprepared. In one, I'm still in school and I realize when the bell rings after the class I'm in that either a)I have no idea what class is next, or b) I've been forgetting to go to a certain class all semester long and show up for the first time just before finals. In another, I suddenly find myself in the backseat of an empty car zooming down the street and I have to hop in the front and grab the wheel just in time to avoid a crash. Last night, I dreamt that my GPS was broken and I had no idea how to get home. The most obvious are the dreams where I suddenly realize I have a baby that's been home for several days before I finally remember to feed and change him.

8. Being pregnant during the summer sucks ass. I'm not usually a sweaty person, but I can't avoid it this summer. I venture outdoors as little as possible while the sun's out. Going outdoors requires putting on clothes and shoes. I'd much rather stay indoors and expose as much bare skin as possible to the A/C. I've even been taking coldish showers, which is something I couldn't bear to do before.

9. My husband only cares that I shave my armpits. Everything else can grow wild and woolly. Bless his heart. It's just so much bother.

10. Every time the baby kicks, I'm forced to stop and contemplate what a wacky, random, magical place the universe is. When I have these moments I hear David Byrne asking, "How did I get here?" in my head. No idea, Dave, but you sure do make cool bike racks.

I Am Falling Apart...And Other Random Blather

Last night I went into the bathroom to floss. My gum was a little sore and it felt like I had a piece of food (like maybe popcorn skin) stuck between my teeth. Whatever it was popped out, but it was far too crunchy to be food.

Because it's an upper right molar, I couldn't wrench my yap open far enough to see if it was all or part of a filling, but I suspect it was one of the two. Whatever it was, it went down the drain too fast to identify. The tooth looks normal from what I can tell. I don't think it's broken. I just can't get a close enough look at the darkened center to tell if what I'm seeing is filling or empty, gaping hole. I will schedule an appointment with the dentist. I'm due for a cleaning anyway.

My crappy eyesight isn't enough? Now I have to endure 1 or more sessions of oral torture, too? What's next?

I slept on the couch last night again due to sore hips. It finally dawned on me that I'd probably be able to sleep comfortably in bed if I took Tylenol PM before nodding off. It's safe during pregnancy, like benadryl, but has the added bonus of keeping my pain under control rather than just making me drowsy. I have no idea why this hadn't occurred to me previously.

Enough about my ever increasing decrepitude. Has anyone actually been watching the Olympics? I could not be less excited about them this year. I tried to watch a few minutes of the coverage late last night out of perceived patriotic duty, but couldn't cut it. I initially misread the program title as XXX Olympiad (rather than XXIX Olympiad). For a second I was like, "WOW! And I thought they were just on this late because of the time difference!!" I was sorely disappointed. I'm sure I'll be just as disappointed next time around when it really is the XXX Olympiad, but the clean version. Those Romans and their wacky numerals...

An update on the Caylee Anthony case. Apparently her mother, Casey, is claiming to have information regarding Caylee's whereabouts that she would like to share with her parents, but refuses to do so while still in prison where her communications are being monitored. She's supposedly keeping this info from the police to "protect" her daughter. The grandparents still believe Caylee is alive and that Casey knows who has her, but not where they are. They have insinuated that they are close to locating Caylee and should have some "good news" to share with the media shortly.

Meanwhile, the air in the trunk of Casey's car is being tested at the University of Tennessee's Body Farm. Police are still waiting for DNA results from materials found in the trunk. Oh, and let's not forget how Grandma told the 911 operator that the car smelled like it had "a dead body" in it and that a cadaver dog alerted to the scent in the trunk to boot.

I feel terribly for the grandparents. I'm sure they can't bring themselves to believe that their granddaughter is anything but alive and safe, but the fact that they have not convinced their daughter to be forthcoming to the police with any and all information she may possess regarding Caylee's whereabouts speaks volumes.

I've tried to put myself in their shoes and decide whether my absolute allegiance would be to my daughter or granddaughter if I somehow thought the former were responsible for or involved in the latter's death and/or disappearance. Perhaps they know that Caylee's gone, so they feel they have to protect their daughter rather than lose her, too. That's almost understandable if Caylee's death were accidental. Not so understandable in the case of intentional homicide, not that we know a) if she is indeed dead or b) the manner of death.

Regardless, I'm on pins and needles waiting for the DNA results and info from the Body Farm. I haven't been this wrapped up in a case since Martha Moxley and Chandra Levy.

My Husband Rocks

As I mentioned on my other blog, Ethan has taken up learning to ride a bicycle at the tender age of 37 (38 next month!). It was tough going at first. Bicycling is a complex integration of balance and muscle coordination. The average child's fresh, springy brain is able to master these skills rather rapidly. It's far more difficult for the stiff, stodgy brain of your average adult.

Periodically, I accompany Ethan to view his progress and offer any advice I can. Today I did nothing but cheer. In a handful of practice sessions, he's gone from not even being able to get both feet on the pedals to mastering all the basics: pedaling, steering, turning and breaking. I was blown away. He's still a little too shaky to try out the local bike path, but I can tell he's only 1 or 2 more practice sessions away.

I was so proud toward the end of the session that I actually got misty. It was so moving to see him accomplish something he's been wanting to do for so long. I can't wait until we're both standing off to the side and cheering our son on when he finally masters the same skill.

You rock, babe! Well done! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jeepers Creepers

I need new peepers. Just before Ethan fertilized my crescent, I noticed a slight decline in the visual acuity of my left eye. The right is still pretty darn good as far as distance is concerned.

Lately, I've noticed that I have some difficulty reading small print, which was never a problem before. I'm not sure if this change is simply pregnancy-related, or if I actually require bifocals. I had lasik back in 2001 and enjoyed superhuman vision for quite a few years. It's only in the last year that I've noticed a decline in my vision. Perhaps I should make an appointment for an exam.

The fun part of my recent impairment? I've noticed that my focus is off, too, so my eyes will skip from line to line sometimes when I'm reading the computer monitor. This makes for some hilariously blended headlines when I'm scanning the news sites. Cases in point:

"Microbioligist claims she contaminated ground beef"--I can just imagine a bitter, mousy scientist poisoning America's food supply.

(Microbiologist claims she was stalked by anthrax suspect + Whole Foods recalling possibly contaminated ground beef)

My favorite, which requires no editorial comments on my part:

"Angry Barbados residents plant son's placenta in orchard"

(Angry Barbados residents slam discovery, naming of tiny snake + Matthew McConaughey to plant son's placenta in orchard)

I'm a Disgusting, Accident-Prone Pig

I was starving come lunchtime, so I cooked up my second box of Kraft Mac & Cheese. I devoured the entire box in the space of 10 mins. All was well for a minute or two until my stomach, restricted by my burgeoning uterus, decided it simply didn't have room for all of it and began to shoo the surplus into my throat.

I made a mad dash to the bathroom where I vomited with great force; so much so that I not only strained my abdominal muscles, but lost complete control of my bladder as well.

My gluttony caused me to vomit, injure and piss myself--in that order. I'd be utterly humiliated if it weren't so funny. What am I, Roman????

This article made my morning...

Phallus-shaped flower is botanical superstar
One of the world's largest flowers, it stinks of rotting meat or rancid cheese

The picture is truly worth 1,000 words. That woman is TRANSFIXED!!! I also like the comment about its timing being "unpredictable."

Learning by Doing

Best possible way to learn. And what did I learn by doing today? That I am too friggin' fat and pregnant to go grocery shopping by myself anymore--at least until summer's over.

I decided to do two week's worth of shopping today to save myself a trip. Huge mistake. By the time I got to the register my back was aching, I was sweating profusely, huffing and puffing and had turned beet red. Then I had to bag everything. load it into my cart (cuz no one does either for you anymore, apparently), load it all into my car and then schlep upstairs everything that needed to be refrigerated or frozen. I left a few bags worth of dry goods in the car for Ethan to carry up later.

I'm BEAT!!! But I must say, I made a killing. My first trip to Shop Rite since I promised myself to switch stores. Their meat specials are crazy! I had no idea. We now have steaks and chicken breasts out the wazoo.

The only good part of the exhausting trip? I'm indulging two of my random cravings right now for a late lunch--Fresca and Kraft Mac N' Cheese. I haven't had Kraft Mac N' Cheese in years, but last night I saw a commercial and HAD to have it ASAP. The Fresca just jumped out at me when I was cruising down the beverage aisle. So deliciously citrus-y!

So, from now on, I will make sure Ethan either accompanies me to the grocery store or is home to schlep all the bags up. I just can't hack it in this heat. Neither can Junior, apparently. He's been kicking me like crazy since I got home. He's tired and hungry, too.

In real news, I've been following the Caylee Anthony case. She's the little girl who was missing for a month before her mom reported her. Check out the details on the Investigation Discovery Web site. Smells fishier'n a $2 meth ho, if you ask me. Mom offed her and grandma helped cover it up, no doubt. Terrible shame--and this Saturday would've been her 3rd birthday.

Semi-Lazy

I had a mild stomach virus yesterday. No puking, but issues on the other end and I felt like my veins were full of lead. Therefore, I did exactly 1 load of laundry yesterday. That was the extent of my chores for the day.

Today the digestive issues are much improved, but my energy level isn't quite up to snuff just yet. Still, I managed to take the dogs for a walk and put all the clean laundry away--not just the solitary load I did yesterday, but the mounds of clean stuff that has been sitting on the shelf above the washer/dryer for months now, half of which were baby clothes.

I'm taking a little break right now. Standing for an extended period folding and putting away laundry gave me a terrible ache in my middle back. That's a new one--it's usually my lower back that bothers me. I'm proud to say that I WILL be cooking dinner tonight. I thawed turkey breast fillets in the fridge overnight and need to cook them or they'll go to waste.

So I'm still not up to the activity level I'm aspiring to, but getting there. I was reading "confessions" on my babycenter.com bulletin board for moms due in December and apparently I'm not alone. There are a lot of pregnant women out there who can't bring themselves to do housework (guilty), shave their legs (guilty) or even shower daily (that's just gross--especially in this humidity).

I find I have more energy on days when the baby is chilling out--like today. When he's in full-on uterine assault mode it's difficult to even sit upright for extended periods of time. Now that I've figured this out, I can try to tailor my activity so that I get more done days when he's being nice to Mama so I can relax and put my feet up on the days when he's not.

Oops. Did I promise in an earlier post that not every single post on this blog would be pregnancy-related? Sorry, forgot about that. There's just been such a dearth of interesting news and current events lately that there's little else to talk about. I have been following the story of the stabbing/cannibalism case on the Greyhound Canada bus, however. So random. Check it out if you haven't already. Someone should really tell the suspect, "Next time, pack a lunch eh??"

Budget Crunching

I've tuned out on politics the last week or so. I needed a mental break. Have the powers that be finally admitted that we're in an honest to God, ginuwine recession? Yesterday I decided to be proactive (one of my most hated words) and draw up a household budget to see where we can cut some corners. It's quite an adjustment transitioning from 2 incomes to 1. After maybe 90 mins of research, number crunching and phone calls, I figured out how to save us approx. $150/mo. Not bad for a day's work!

First I figured out how much money we'd save if Ethan drove the Toyota to work instead of the Oldsmobile. I know the Olds is a guzzler, but his commute is rather short, so I didn't think it made that much of a difference. When I multiplied how many times a month he had to fill up (3) by the difference of the cost of a tank for the Olds ($65) and the Toyota ($45) and factored in a little extra for the Toyota's better mpg, it came out to $75. That's almost a week's worth of groceries!

Next, we had considered eliminating our land line phone and just using our cell phones which would save us approx. $85-90/mo. I decided to call up the cable company to see how much we'd save if we got the "triple play" (cable, phone and Internet--we have all but the phone already). It turns out that we can keep our land line phone (same number, too!) and still save around $80/mo. Eureka!

Next is to switch Ethan over to my cell phone carrier so we can get a family plan. That should save us another $20-30/mo. I've also promised to make better use of our annoying washer/dryer since it's included in our rent, rather then dropping everything off at the laundromat. If I can forgo the wash and fold luxury altogether, that should save us another $40-50/mo.

That's already more than $200/mo! I've also promised myself that I will start shopping at Shop Rite rather than Stop N' Shop. It really is less expensive and the merchandise is the same. I only prefer Stop N' Shop because the ceilings are higher and the aisles wider. And it has a Starbucks kiosk. Nothing like traipsing up and down the roomy aisles sipping a grande non-fat chai latte. By comparison, the Shop Rite has low ceilings and the aisles are narrower and the shelves taller which have the combined effect of making me super claustrophobic. I'm sure I'll adjust.

With the price difference btwn both stores plus average coupon savings, that could total another $100/mo. So we're at a total savings of $300/mo. and we haven't even really sacrificed anything yet. No services cut (apart from the laundry, but that was a super luxury), no real added inconveniences. It's kind of disgusting how we were pissing that money away each month without even realizing it.

I keep surfing the web for other penny-pinching ideas, but not that many of them really apply to us or fit our lifestyle. Please chime in with whatever you and your family are doing to save some scratch. I'd love to hear!

Dog Nuts (Warning: May contain cutesy pet story)

I decided to make myself pecan pancakes for breakfast this morning. Looooooove me some pecan pancakes. I accidentally dropped 2 of the 4 into the sink, where there was about a 1/2 inch of standing water. I was momentarily crestfallen, but I soon realized that the 2 I had left were more than enough for me.

I fished the 2 out of the sink (they landed in such a way that they were barely even soggy) and put them in the dog's bowls. Neither of the dogs were in the kitchen, yet somehow Fred "sensed" the presence of pancakes within his reach. I am president and Freddy is VP of my International Pancake Appreciation Society (IPAS, Membership = 2). He immediately ran out, snatched a huge chunk, and sprinted for the bed.

He likes to hide treats in the bedspread. He'll spend a good 5 minutes trying to push the covers on top of whatever he's burying with his schnoz. Sometimes he gets frustrated and yells at the treat in that special language that only Shih Tzus speak. It's not barking, growling, yipping or howling--just a long string of choppy vowel sounds that you'd swear was an actual sentence.

I chased him out to the living room where I divvied the pancakes up between him and Lulu. Lesson learned: Dogs don't like pecans, at least not my dogs. They ate all the cake from around them and spit the nuts all over my living room carpet, which I will clean up shortly.

I did learn yesterday that Fred eats bananas, but Lulu doesn't. An interesting discovery.

What Lulu does eat, though she'd been on an extended hiatus, is cat poop. I know this is common for dogs, but it had been so long that we really thought she'd broken the habit. The other night she came charging into the living room looking like she'd just won the lottery with something brown and cigar-shaped in her mouth. Fred was right on her heels looking for his share. Ethan and I looked at each other, puzzled. There was nothing on the floor in that shape or shade that we knew of. I looked closer and saw the flecks of litter.

Ethan hopped up from the couch and repeatedly yelled, "Drop it! Bad dog!" She just looked at him like, "No way, MFer. Get your own!" At one point, half the "item" broke off and dropped to the floor. She eventually spit out the other half. Normally when she picks up something iffy on the street, we fish it out. No way were we going spelunking in the wet, pink, fleshy folds of her mouth for cat poop (have you ever looked inside a Shih Tzu's mouth? It's TERRIFYING! Anything could be hiding in there).

She tried to jump up on the couch to give us apology kisses, but we made her stay on the floor until bed time. Her feelings were clearly hurt. In her defense, it was the filet mignon of cat poops. It was huge and looked super fresh. I can see why she had a problem resisting. Still, she's banned from giving us kisses until sometime next week.