Saturday night I dreamt that the zombie apocalypse occurred. The government somehow managed to neutralize the threat by eliminating the zombies' cravings for human flesh. Not clear how this was done--top secret and whatnot. I assumed some chemical agent was released into the atmosphere to do this, as putting down each individual zombie was too gargantuan a task. The result was that we were left with millions of non-threatening zombies roaming around aimlessly, with nothing to do. I turned on the news for the latest update on the situation, and Arizona governor Jan Brewer was holding a press conference to suggest that we deport them. To where, I have no idea. Then I woke up.
I was left with so many questions after this dream:
1. The zombie apocalypse happened and I didn't get to bludgeon even ONE of the motherfuckers? How lame is that? This is my dream life we're talking about--I should be a zombie-eradicating army of one!
2. How did the government have that zombie-neutralizing agent ready to go so fast? What do they know that we don't?
3. Is it legal to deport zombies who are former American citizens? Does citizenship expire at death?
4. I wonder how many jobs could be created to deal with the problem? It could single-handedly revive our failing economy. I'm envisioning a nation-wide network of zombie no-kill shelters where they could live out their days shuffling around in peace until they completely decayed. You know, like a nursing home.
I will continue to ruminate on this dream until the next. Until then, keep your blades and brains sharp. They're your two best weapons.
4 comments:
1) Okay, I think we could take care of this point and #4 by creating features across the country much like the Shoot the Freak at Coney Island, only instead of paintballs you get to choose your weapon and then some enterprising person will find a way to ferment the zombie bodies into fuel. True, it will be a limited source, but it will take care of the space the zombies are taking up and the problem of the waste lft behind, obviously to great for landfills or cemetaries. I don't think killing technically dead people is an ethical or moral dilema for me, is it for you?
HOWEVER, I do think the living should be able to claim friends and family members to keep them as "pets" or workers or whatever... But other ppl's friends or family without their permission, I guess... Could we train them to garden? Because that would be a long term solution to sustainable and local produce... Imagine, no weeding and fresh bruschetta all summer!!
2) Duh!! Everyone knows the zombie apocalypse will be from a govt created virus or biochemical weapon incorrectly released. You've read/watched enought to know that by kno.. Think woman, lol!!
3) I think it would be more akin to offhoring our trash than deporting American citizens, so morally and environmentally wrong regardless.
Sorry for the typos...
"Everyone knows the zombie apocalypse will be from a govt created virus or biochemical weapon incorrectly released." D'oh. You're right. At least, those are 2 possible sources. It could also be an alien virus brought to Earth either by actual extraterrestrials (in which case the govt *really* has some 'splainin' to do), or space debris landing on Earth unbeknownst to anyone until it's too late--kinda like Andromeda Strain.
Perhaps we could develop some sort of zombie beheading device like the turkey beheading machine in the Sarah Palin video. That would be be fairly mess-free.
If we train them to garden, their decaying flesh would fertilize the soil as it drops from their bones. Double bonus!!!
I would have a prob "killing" other people's dead relatives for sport/amusement. I find that disrespectful. They should be put down just as humanely as live, family-killing sociopaths.
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