Monday, September 13, 2010

Crippling fear and self-realization--What a way to start the week!

This move ate up the bulk of our savings. I'm sure we can recover with creative budgeting, but I'm really starting to think about going back to work. I was thinking about this just now, and was seized by a simultaneous epiphany/panic attack.

I realized that I'm actually terrified to go back to work after 2 years as a stay at home mom. I've been out of the loop a long time. I'm scared that I won't reassimilate well. I'm scared that the search will take a long time, and that I'll settle for less than I'm worth given the current economy. I loathe the interview process--the feeling of being evaluated and the potential for rejection. Also, I've been my own boss for over 2 years now, and am worried that I'll resent having to report to someone else.

Being let go from my previous position was a huge blow to my self-worth as well. I've never received anything other than a positive performance review, including my previous position. I received a positive review, merit-based raise, and merit-based bonus a mere 2 weeks prior to getting shitcanned w/ no real explanation why I was being terminated. I don't know that I have the emotional strength to deal with all of the above right now. I'm finally starting to feel normal again after 6 years of pregnancy losses and my dad's passing.

At some point, I need to move my bowels and vacate the commode, but the seat's all nice and warm now, and my legs have long since fallen asleep. I'm worried I'll faceplant on the cold, hard, unforgiving tile.

Life would certainly be easier with the additional income, and I have no worries about Tobin adjusting to daycare. That kid is as go-with-the-flow as any person I've ever met. My terror is the only thing stopping me right now. It's time to shoot out some resumes and start searching monster.com on a daily basis.

My one logistical problem is finding someone to watch Toby while I interview, but let's not put the cart before the horse. I'll worry about that when I actually have interviews on the books.

If any readers out there have any advice re: returning to the work force after a considerable hiatus, I would appreciate hearing it. Words of encouragement and job referrals are welcome, too.

3 comments:

kaylynuke said...

a) I never had a career job in the 14 years I was a stay at home mother, just crappy part time J.O.B.S. and I finally found a career I love, even if I am on furlough 'til a new study comes up.
b) You *know* and everyone else knows that yo were only fired for "gravida para 1."
c) Of course T will be fine, b/c you've stayed home with him and instilled huge amounts of self-confidence.
d)If you really don't want to go back to work yet, you *can* make it work with a little work om the bidget.

kaylynuke said...

I deeply apologize; I meant gravida para 2.

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